Di jokes

James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).

So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."

I asked the emo kid if he was depressed that his phone died before him.

What is the difference between Paul Walker and the Queen?

Paul Walker passed 100 before he died.

Do you love God?

Why did the emo kids stop going to their favorite tree?

It died before them.

The man who invented Velcro died.

RIP.

Why can't Jesus judge gay people?

He got nailed right before he died.

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.

The redhead swam, trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.

The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

What’s the difference between the baby I just stabbed and Isaac Newton?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close his casket.

My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.

Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

Jesus tried solving the Rubik's cube,

but died on the cross.

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.