Death Jokes

What did Tupac's homies smoke? His ashes.

It would've been too tacky to take a shot in his memory.

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"

Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

God creates dog.

God: "You are man's best friend."

Dog: "That's pretty sexist."

God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak!"

Dog: "....."

God: "And chocolate kills you!"

Dog: "🐶"

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"

What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?

Neither do ever grow old.

If only they had more mosquito nets in Africa, we could prevent millions of mosquitos dying needlessly of AIDS...

What's the difference between me and cancer?

Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both like cracking open a cold one.

What is the difference between me and Paul Walker?

I’ve watched Fast and Furious Seven.

You can find perfectly cooked Kobe in a Japanese restaurant, but you can only find burnt Kobe in Calabasas.

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you during sex?

The second hour is free.

What's the difference between a dead person and a walkie-talkie?

A dead person does not walkie or talkie.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume.

In 2011, Stephen Hawking said there is no God. In 2018, God said there is no Steve Hawking.

I told my wife I needed a blood transfusion when I could not remember. She said, "Be positive too."

Bad, I am now a ghost writing this.

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."