Dead jokes

What happened when Obama ran for president?

The whole US thought, "Holy hell, it's Osama bin Laden!" Thought he was dead.

Q: What's 8 inches and makes my wife scream when I put it in her mouth?

A: Her dead fetus.

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Stop with the dead baby jokes. We're running out of babies.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

What is round and squishy? A dead baby's head.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

What do you call a snail without a shell?

Dead.

Stephen Hawking is not dead; he just needs to charge.

Did you know that graveyards are the most popular place in the world?

Yeah, people are just DYING to get in there...

What's worse than a bag of dead babies? One at the bottom is still wriggling.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

What do you call a zombie?

Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.

What do you tell a dead metal fan?

Rust in peace.

What do you call a downy under water?

Dead fish

What does a dead baby look like?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

Fatty and Skinny were in a bed.

Fatty rolled over, and Skinny was dead.

Dead people jokes are the best, they're ground breaking.

Gvido gubis.

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!