What's the difference between onions and babies?
I cry when I cut onions.
What's the difference between a pile of babies and a Porsche?
I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
I love Muslims, they are great at parties!
They have the best fireworks.
What's the same about "Make a Wish Program" and "Dark Jokes"?
They never get old.
When the emo kid hangs himself and the autistic kid thinks that it's a piñata... BATTER UP TO THE PLATE!
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Dark, rich, and imported.
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?
Fitting in.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.
The saddest painting you will see is a mirror.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?
They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.
If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Double whammy.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
Is necrophilia considered cracking open a cold one?
What is it called when you hit your funny bone at night?
Dark humor.
Look at a bag of black grapes. See how dark they are? That’s how I like my men.
25 at a time.
