Dark Humor

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: .....it...

Friend: No

Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!

Friend: Why are you like this?

Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly!

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.

There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.

I was hit on by President Kennedy, too bad I shot him down.

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

What's a school shooter's favorite anime?

Assassination Classroom.

Rules of dark humor.

1. Everything shall be touched.

2. If it offends someone, it shall not be touched.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

A man is with his friend in a bar.

The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"

Nervous, the man looks away.

The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."

The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."

"Wait, wha..."

"What?"

What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?

A dead baby can't feed a family.

Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

Stop saying negative shit about dark humor jokes! If it bugs you that bad, then go away! That'll solve everything but world hunger and failed abortion.

What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?

Showing them the ropes.

My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Just cut the rope.

What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.

I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.

It never gets old.