"I told my kids not to spend all day at a computer, but then I realized I do that myself."
I bought these trainers from a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced it with but i have been trippin' all day.
Whats the difference between anal and oral? Oral makes your day whereas anal makes your (w)hole weak.
Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?
I wake up and I find myself on the floor.
What did an orange say the day before going to work?
"Back to the rind!"
Teacher: Everyone, tomorrow is bring your mom to school day.
Me: Sorry but my mom's not gonna make it.
Teacher: Why?
Me: I'm an orphan, bitch.
What’s an orphan’s favorite holidays? Mothers’ and Father’s Day.
Englishman: We named our son George since he was born on Saint George's Day.
Irishman: We called our daughter Valentine since she was born on Valentine's Day.
Scotsman: We named our son Pancake because he was born on Pancake Day!
A bully told an orphan to cry to his parents, so he did.
His adoptive parents were very supportive about the situation, and everything was settled. He died in an accident a day later.
Your mum is so fat she eat all day 🤣🤣🤣
What is a difference between a tree? Tree 🌲 was the day you get.
Why can’t an orphan celebrate Father’s Day and Mother’s Day? Because they have no parents.
There are days I feel really bad for my Wife. She has to feed me in the same place I take a dump.
She really hates it when I spit my food back out.
One rainy day a NASCAR race was going on and they had no other choice but to use this bitch's forehead. https://sportsrecruits.com/athlete/morgan_tomporowski
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.
2+2+67+23= Now calculate the mass of the Solar system. Be these questions these days.
When I was born, I saw you at the adoption center alone.
That day your dad got milk. 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬
"Oh, you’re still talking? I thought background noise was supposed to fade out after a while. Must be tough waking up every day knowing your personality was a failed experiment."
I bought a new shotgun the other day. Want to know what I called it?
Kurt Cobain's microphone.
One day you were at the store and you see you in a cart, and so you get out, and it was a mirror. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂Lol
