Dad jokes
Mom: Son, where are my condoms?
Son: What are condoms?
Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.
Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?
Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.
Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.
What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common? Once they're gone they never come back.
My grandma always told my dad if a bird ever got in your house/truck, someone would die later that exact day.
She found out she had cancer. 11 months later, my grandpa died of a stroke. I hope to see them in heaven. I’d like to meet them. Pls comment good things. I really, really love them, even though I didn’t get to meet them. 😭😭😭
A baby and his father are sitting in a street cafe. A woman bends over to pick up her keys just as a gust of wind blows up the woman's dress. "va va voom," the baby says. The dad chuckles and says, "Yes. I'd like to have sex with her too."
Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"
Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."
The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."
The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"
My dad was in the plane in 9/11, and he was the smart one that convinced everyone. He said, "We're fucked."
What is the difference between my dad’s generation and my generation of women?
He had Wonder Woman, and I have to wonder if it’s a woman.
Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!
Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!
Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!
Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?
What does PEMDAS stand for?
Penis enters my dad and sister.
Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"
I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"
What's the quickest way to get to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.
What do you do after raping a deaf person? Cut their fingers off so they don't tell anyone.
MORE JOKES COMING SOON LMAO ;]
My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
My dad went for the milk, but he left his wheelchair.
Why did my dad leave me? Because I was a disappointment.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
Son: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Dad: Don't know, why?
Son: Because they taste funny.
A kid goes to bed with his dad because he’s scared of the dark. Turns out he just wanted to have sex.
Orphan: I'm hungry.
Dad: Let's go to KFC.
Orphan 2: Boy, you don't got a dad!