Dad jokes
I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?
My dad still hasn't came back with that God damn milk.
Your mom and dad abandoned you because you're too ugly.
Friend: Hi.
Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?
Friend: Me?
Me: Damn, no, not you.
Friend: Then who?
Me: The orphan kid.
I guess we're the same.
Your eyebrows are far from home just like your dad.
Why is September 11th the best birthday ever? No one forgets it :)
I have no dad, no milk, and no mom, so that means no tits, like if you can relate.
Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?
What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.
P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.
The daughter walks up to her father and asks him, "Dad, can I ask you something?"
The father says, "Of course, what's your question?"
The daughter replies and asks, "How do you feel about abortion?"
The father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?"
The daughter replies, "I don't have a sis-"
Remember the name Ben Andrews.
Your dad left for the milk because of your McDonald's hairline!
Knock knock. Who's there? Well, I will tell you who's not there: my dad.
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
Dad: Hey, uh... you're adopted.
Dog: *frown*
Your mama's so young your dad went to jail.
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.
I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.
Your dad's Spider-Man because he's far from home.
Orphan: I'm hungry.
Dad: Let's go to KFC.
Orphan 2: Boy, you don't got a dad!
I swear, if I compared the size of your mother and multiplied it by the time your dad was gone, it wouldn't even be close to your hairline.