Crime jokes

If R. Kelly was a therapist:

14 year old: I hate my life.

R. Kelly: I feel you.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

Why did Michael Jackson love melted chocolate? Because he could pour it on his cock, then get a prepubescent boy to suck it off.

Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.

After the school shooting, Joe pretended to be a victim while his sister ate the flesh of the fallen.

What is a pedophile's favorite piano note?

A Minor.

God, those orphans were putting up such a fight, I had to lock 'em in the basement.

I'm going to burn Braden Mitchell Kniffen's house down.

What do you say when you see your TV floating away at night?

"Drop it, Jamal!"

What do you call a chomo on the road? Roadkill.

Why did Jeffrey eat all the ice cream in one sitting?

To make room in the freezer for his special meat.

All rape can be prevented. It's just a matter of semantics.

Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?

He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.

What’s the difference between a robber and an orphan?

One is wanted.

Why do so many people hate Bill Cosby? I mean, all he did was have affairs with drunk, attention-seeking women. They literally begged for it.

You call it a school shooting.

I call it an unfair shootout.

Everyone else seems to have met my dad. I only have the mugshots.

Q. Why did Josh Duggar cross the road?

A. There was a daycare on the other side.

I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.

Why do most clips for automatic weapons have 32 bullets?

That's usually how many kids are in a classroom.