How do butts start a conversation?
"Let's cut to the CHASE"
Why can’t you have a proper conversation with the gay person? They’re never straight with you
A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever, and his friend asked did you get any head and the guy said no I couldn't find it.
Two terrorists walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they are talking about. Terrorist 1 says “We are going to kill 14k people and a donkey” The Bartender asks “Why a donkey?” Then Terrorist 2 says “See, I told you no one would care about the 14k people.”
"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".
She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied "you just ask nicely
The Drunk and a priest
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”
Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”
Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
One day, Jim saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. He asked if he was an orphan. The kid said, “Yeah what gave me away?” Jim said,” l don’t see any parents.”
A couple is on their first date. Man: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently. Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We’d like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.
My only friend who actually cares: Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!
Me: Okay I’ll cut it out.
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".
