Computer jokes
What is the difference between an American and a computer?
An American doesn’t have trouble shooting.
Why do orphans suck at web design?
They don’t know what a home page is.
Why was the computer late to work?
Because it had a hard drive!
What is the difference between a school bully and a feminist?
The school bully does not hide behind their computer screen.
A man is dating three women and has to choose which one he'll marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first woman does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits to look sexy for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money... Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.
"Warning, all unsaved progress will be lost." - Sun Tzu, The Art Of War.
My local hacker contacted me and told me that he hacked my computer.
I responded, “Show me proof.” He provided the username and password for my email account, bank account, video game accounts, and social media accounts. To be honest, that is the fastest “Forgot Password” procedure I’ve ever done.
Why was Stephen Hawking never trusted when taking a quiz?
"No computers allowed on the test!"
Video games don't make people violent, lag does.
The reason Stephen Hawking died was because he switched WiFi routers from Sky to Virgin, so his computer lagged out.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere.
Your mama is so fat that when she was playing online, she crashed the whole server.
What's the difference between a PC and a 6 year old? I don't have to clean out my PC.
Me, smashes mouse after losing a match; everybody at the pet race: :O
Yo mama so FAT, she can't handle files bigger than 4 GB.
What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?
When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.
Stephen Hawking + Computer = SMART!
Stephen Hawking + Shoulder = HUNGRY!
Have they tried switching him off and on again?
How did Steven Hawking die?
He forgot his log on password.
Yo mama is so fat that when she sits on the internet, it will take a day to send!