Comparison jokes
Q: What is the difference between Austin Matthews and a priest?
A: One looks like a pedophile and one is a pedophile.
What's the difference between emo people and normal people? Normal people have wrists.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. A face like yours belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, but laughing at YOU!
Q: What do Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They put meat on five-year-old buns.
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
What's the difference between Obama and Trump?
Obama was a president and Trump was a whiny bitch!
What do the Titanic and the Montréal Canadiens have in common? They both sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.
Your hairline is so bad that it makes Lebron's hairline look normal.
Vaginas are like onions. They have lots of layers to get through.
My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.
What do emo kids and apples have in common?
They both hang off trees.
What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?
There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
Tiger Woods had a good driver.
(This is a fucked up pick up line). Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11.
How are apples and orphans different?
Apples get picked.
What's the difference between an ugly monster and you?
Nothing.
What do me and Monster cans have in common? A barcode.
I would like to call you as dumb as a rock, but they can hold a door open.
So I went to a church and I asked a friend, "Is the picture on the wall Jesus, and does it have three nails or one nail?" Oh wait, that's not Jesus, he is not doing the T pose that he invited.