Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you."
Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
They're both accidents.
Q: What is Trump?
A: An oversized oompa loompa.
What's similar between a fetus and a failed mission?
You abort it.
What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? A prostitute won't tell you that it is more blessed to give than it is to receive.
In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?
They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.
what's the difference between hitler and you?
one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.
What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.
What’s the difference between 1000 used tiers and 1000 used condoms?
Ones a good year and ones a great year
The Twin Towers and genders have a lot in common. There used to be two, and now it's just a touchy subject.
I don't know why Trump has orange skin but has white around his eyes. So does that mean he is some fucking dog?
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.
What is the difference between a wheelchair and a walker?
Damn, bitch, you got a big ass for a head!
Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.
How are shark eggs and your mom the same? They're both the biggest thing ever laid.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Me and my brother talking about relationships Me: We live kind of differently Brother: We're sort of alike Me: We're not alike Brother because he's taken: cause you don't have boyfriend! My thoughts: You're right. Cause I have a girlfriend!
What's the difference between my imaginary friend and God?
None.
They're both imaginary.
I once had a cat that reminded me of Doug Ford.
Fat, mean, and probably inbred.
