Comedy jokes

Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."

Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.

The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.

The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"

Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!

Not totally a joke but... What do all these rape joke naysayers have in common with rapists? They are also forcing themselves on others.

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken.

I'm starting a clown shoe store.

It's no small feat! :oD

Q: What is Trump?

A: An oversized oompa loompa.

Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"

Orphans are funny cuz all they do is sing "We Are Family."

I dated a furry once.

The relationship didn't work out, she was a cheetah.

Why can't orphans watch "The Simpsons"?

Because they don't know who's Homer.

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

You want to hear a rape joke? Yeah. Damn you ruined it.

Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.

I tried to tell an orphan a knock-knock joke, but sadly, there was no door to knock on.

What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

I am an actual police officer (Not gonna mention with which department in case they actually check this site) and tbh I find these jokes funny as fuck, carry on boys.

Your forehead is so huge, you don't have dreams, you have movies. Follow me on Instagram: _zer0x3.

Seriously, who wants fucking Annoying Orange as president?