Cold jokes
What do you call a pig in a blanket?
My wife on a cold day.
Why did the computer catch cold?
It left a window open.
Why are mountains so cold?? Your mom lol.
A blonde crashes an airplane.
Officer: Could you please explain to me what happened?
Woman: It got so cold in the plane, I turned the fan off.
Officer: *face palms self*
Also officer: Here's your sign.
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
Why are mountains very cold?
Because they are very cold.
Why are hospitals always freezing? They need to keep the vegetables cold.
You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Did you hear about the cannibal that came home late?
His wife gave him the cold shoulder.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
What's a penguin's favorite relative?
Aunt Arctic.
A guy once went hunting at a hunting ranch. After a long day of hunting, the hunter enjoys a couple of cold ones in the rancher’s living room. There they were having a grand ole time then the rancher’s wife walks in. The hunter says, “That’s a nice piece of ass you got yourself there.” The rancher replied with a harsh, raspy Southern chuckle from years of Marlboro Reds, “You’ve never been so right in your life. Honey, why don’t you show our guest your tits?” She agrees and shows the hunter her plump DD cup breasts.
The hunter says, “Nice.” Then the rancher said, “Show ‘em yer pecker now.” She agreed and whipped out a 13 incher. Dazed and confused, the hunter says, “What in Sam Hill is that?!” And the rancher replied, “Now... lemme tell you... there ain’t a thing like it.”
What is old, cold, and alone?
An orphan's parents.
Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?
Because you cannot break the ice.
Snowmen and snowwomen take a stomach piece, making snowballs.
I caught a cold, Mary Earp caught the ball, what did the towers catch? The plane.
I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.
About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."
I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."
Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"
What does Meg do when she gets a cold sore?
She bathes in diarrhea.
Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
Uranus is cold.