Children jokes

What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?

A Jacko Lantern!

Me: "I like kids."

Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"

The priest says, "Because I'm a father."

Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."

The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."

Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."

You know those paper families you cut out?

Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.

What do you call an orphan with a boner?

Porn.

What's the best part of being a pedophile? You will never have a wife.

Why is it ok to smack an orphan?

What are they going to do? Tell their parents!

Why wouldn’t Mrs. Grapes leave her children behind?

Because she loves raisin kids.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell them to clap til' their parents get home.

Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?

She was on fire.

Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.

Q: Why can orphans swim?

A: They have or-fins.

What did the pedophile say to the nutcracker?

"Aren't you a little too young to be doing that?"

What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.

There's a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.

What's a pedophile's favorite part of Halloween? Free delivery.

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said, "Okay class, what's behind my back?" She said, "It's round and red," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's an apple!" And the teacher said, "No, but I like where you're going with this." So now the teacher said, "It is also used to make multiple things," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's a container of paint!" And the teacher said, "Again, no, but I like where you're going with this." And the teacher said, "It's a ball of yarn," as she pulled it out from behind her back. Then Little Johnny said, "Okay, my turn." He said, "What's in my pocket? It's round and it has a head." And the teacher said, "That's enough, Johnny, now sit down." And Little Johnny pulled the thing out of his pocket and said, "It's a nickel, but I like where you're going with this."

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

"Really?" asked a little girl.

"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

What did Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson have in common?: (What *didn't* they have in common)

Same red shorts, theme park in their backyard, white glove, soft voices, loved children, they both were black with white faces.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A pitbull dog coming back from the kids playground.