Child jokes

What does a baby and a grenade have in common?

They both make noise after you throw them.

Yesterday, I was babysitting this woman's child. Everything was going perfectly.

I got hungry and called the mother. I asked if she wanted the baby back ribs I was cooking, but she said she didn't want any.

When she arrived she started screaming and ran to her child. I don't see why she was so upset, she said she didn't want any.

How many kids does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them. 😂😂😂😂

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

He doesn't know where home is.

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."

I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have a home page.

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple? The apple gets picked.

da baby

What did the skeleton say to the genderless child? "You're fucking dead, mate."

Kids are like a box of chocolates, they taste so good and you never know what you are going to get.

What's the difference between me and a rapist?

He forced her, while I convinced her with a candy.

She was just 7 years old.

What do orphans have in common with mute children?

They can't talk to their parents.

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

Because they can't make a home run.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

I love taking my daughter out in the car. Every time we go over a speed bump, I tell her we ran over another dog. 😂

What's black and yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of orphans.

I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.

What is it about a beard and glasses that children find so sexy?

My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.