Charge jokes

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

How do you get your appeal for rape charges accepted? Say you were expressing your desire for a woman, which is protected under the Constitution in freedom of expression.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 and 976 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone, and money falls out.

I have been charged, because I roasted a kid at a barbeque.

I bought a sweater and it started building up static electricity.

So I got another one free of charge.

Why can't an emo person be in charge of sky diving?

He won't deploy the parachute.

It's tricky when you're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship, but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.

What did the man who had sex with an Instagram model in the reverse cowgirl position while going 90 on the freeway get charged for?

Driving under the influencer.

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.

Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

Stephen Hawking tried to charge his phone and unplugged his life support.

If your wife dies of childbirth, can you press charges on the baby?

My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.

Think like a proton--stay positive!

I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.

Why did the credit card go to jail?

'Cuz it was guilty as charged!

I charge 50 bucks a suck.

One day it was me and my sister in the house. My sister said to me, "Let's order food." I said, "We have no money." My sister said, "It's cool; we're just going to order egg rolls from the Chinese store. I know the delivery boy, and he won't charge us." I said, "Cool."

The delivery boy came with the egg rolls. I took some and ate mine in my room. I went back in the kitchen. I see my sister giving the delivery boy a blow job. I ask, "What are you doing?" My sister replied back to me, "You had your egg rolls; let me enjoy mine." Then the delivery boy said, "Don't no charge."

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you? No charge!"

What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?

Overcharge himself.