A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come on little white crackers.
Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"
On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."
Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.
Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.
What does Kim Kardashian and the ocean have in common?
They both have plastic in them.
I find it bemusing that hardcore right-wingers are superfans of Johnny Depp, considering that he looks like a dangerous Mexican drug lord.
Kelly Clarkson wants to be Rosie O'Donnell so badly. Too bad Kelly is the "Queen of Incest" and not the "Queen of Nice".
(And Kelly came from a sundown town in the Deep South, and not from Long Island.)
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
What do you call Amber Heard crying during the lawsuit?
A DEPPression.
(If you are a fan of either Johnny Depp or Amber Heard, you might get the joke).
Why do bunnies like Bruno Mars? Because he got 24 carrots.
What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?
They can't reach 30.
I thought I saw Jojo Siwa... no wait, it's your hairline.
Stephen Hawking once stood up to bow down to Chuck Norris.
Why was Michael Jackson so loved? He touched so many children in so many special ways.
What did Michael Jackson say to the child sitting on him?
“Just beat it! Just beat it!”
What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?
A robot can feign empathy.
Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.
I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Kobe decided he’s too good to wait in traffic.
How did Reese eat her cereal? - Witherspoon!
