Career jokes
Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
What's the difference between Rorochan and skydivers?
One does it for the cash, the other for the views.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.
I heard P. Diddy got a job as a defensive coordinator.
He’s used to penetrating aggressively.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.
Why did the rapper become a locksmith?
Because he always had the KEYS!
What is the difference between Kanye and Hitler?
Hitler knew when his career was over.
Why did the rapper climb a ladder during his performance?
He wanted to take his career to the NEXT LEVEL!
What do you call a rapper who can’t rhyme?
Unemployed.
Why did the rapper become a pilot?
Because he wanted to take his flow to new heights!
Why did the rapper get a job at the bank?
Because he wanted to make some rap deposits!
Why did the rapper bring a map to the studio?
To find the right direction for his FLOW.
Why did the rapper become a chef?
Because he wanted to drop some HOT PLATES.
Why did the rapper become a banker?
Because he wanted to make some BIG BANK DEPOSITS!
Why did the rapper become a tailor?
Because they wanted to drop some fresh THREADS.
I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.
And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.
It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.
A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.
I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.