What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
1950: In the future there will be flying cars.
2018: Pewdiepie shuts down Shane Dawson.
Your mama is so fat that she doesn't get crushed by cars, she crushes cars and babies in strollers on the sidewalk when she falls and doesn't see any remains, so there is no evidence.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
Because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt.
What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.
What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.
Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"
A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”
“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.
“Let me start,” says the son.
“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.
“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.
“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.
“Your right!” He replies.
“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”
“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.
“The lie is the second on,” says the dad.
Man, don't you hate it when you hit a speed bump by an orphanage but then realize there's no speed bumps here...
Q: What is red, white, and blue and fun to watch?
A: A cop car rolling over after trying to catch someone for speeding.
What do you call someone that is Mexican that has a BMW?
A big Mexican woman.
Did you hear about the two-car pile-up in Mexico? Yeah like 200 Mexicans died.
Hey guys, Billy has this weird disability where when he has sex with someone, he says their name really loud.
Billy: Hey guys, I just got back from my DADS!!
Wait, what Billy?
What was blue and black and doesn't like to have sex... The little girl in my trunk.
Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.
How do you get 50 babies into a car?
You blend them.
What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Lambo in my garage.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.
My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.
