Cant jokes

Cant memes

Shower

    • Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.

    She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.

    "S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."

    They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."

    "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"

    "I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

    "Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."

    "Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

    "No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."

  • 0

    • Depression

    • If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

    If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

    I’m a star! Because one of these days, I’m going to crash and burn...

    If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

    I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

    If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

    I’m like an eggshell... broken and empty.

    If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

    I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

    My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

    I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

    I’m like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

    I’m like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

    I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

    I’m like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

    My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

    Help me...

  • 3

    • Woman

    • A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

    One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet with her son.

    Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

    "Yes it is," the man replies.

    "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

    "No thanks," the man replies.

    "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

    "OK. How much?" the man replies, after considering the position he was in.

    "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

    "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive," but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.

    The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway, and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

    "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

    "Yes it is," replies the man.

    "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

    "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

    "Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.

    The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

    "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

    "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

    "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

    "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

    At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

    "Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

  • 1

    • Idiot

    • RICK: GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT OH GUESS WHAT MOTHERFUCKER OR IMMA SAY IT!!!!!!

    Richard: What????

    Rick: So before Donald Trump's impeachment, he said, "The Coronavirus will end on March 32nd 2021."

    Richard: Your from planet Earth where there's a March 32nd. Enjoy it, *stupid dumb fuck brother*.

    Rick: Oh I will.

    *It was the day March 21st*

    *9 Days later*

    *March 31st*

    Rick: oh I cant wait until tomorrow!!!!!!!!!! Ooh im so excited im gonna give my friends a big ole bro hug and hand shake i miss the muhfuckin dudes man

    *one day later*

    *He got his school uniform waiting for the bus not seeing it*

    Rick:....... wai......Huh!?!?...... hol....up

    BITCH IM AND IDIOT THERE IS NO MOTHERFUCKING MARCH 32ND THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING 1ST OF APRIL TRUMP DUMBASS

    *Richard*

    *oh he's the dumbass*

  • 5

    • Cancer

    • If cancer was a person I’d shake their hand and say: "Thank you for your service."

    Sorry if it’s too far, but don’t come here if you can’t take it.

  • 1

    • Pilot

    • What did the pilots say before crashing into the Twin Towers?

    "We can't go over it, we can't go under it, we go through it!"

  • 0