Canning Jokes

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...

...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:

370HSSV 0773H

All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.

One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:

"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador.

How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?

Change your name to "Rape."

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

A cartoon drawing shows a person with a computer monitor for a head, displaying logos for Google Chrome, Facebook, and Amazon, speaking to another person. The text says "I see you recently bought a lawnmower. Can I interest you in another lawnmower?"

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."

Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.

The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

Why did the orphan jump off of bridge?

So they can reunite with their dead family.

9 year olds can consent. That’s like 18 divided by 2.

Chuck Norris can toss Jupiter at the Sun with his bare hands.

And he still cannot win a fighting match against Bruce Lee.

If her age is on the clock, she can sit on my cock.

Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?

Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.

What's something a depressed person can do that a regular person can't?

The depressed person can scan themself.

She said you can twerk, so I put her in a tractor and put her to work. She got mad at me and said, "There's no good men," but I gave her a kob and equal pay!