Canning jokes

Science can fly you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

They should bring Michael Jackson back from the dead so he can star in the Peter Pan horror movie.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.

Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.

Why do Emos love Christmas? So they can pretend they're ornaments and hang themselves on trees. Hope you liked it, happy holidays!

DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

Life is like a film; it goes on, but you can cut at any time.

Can emos eat a happy meal, or is it a depressed meal?

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

So they can get in the cast!

What instrument can a skeleton not play? An organ!

What instrument can a skeleton play? A Trombone!

How can you surprise someone who is blind?

Leave a plunger in the toilet.