Canning jokes

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

Life is like a film; it goes on, but you can cut at any time.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

So they can get in the cast!

What instrument can a skeleton not play? An organ!

What instrument can a skeleton play? A Trombone!

How can you surprise someone who is blind?

Leave a plunger in the toilet.

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

Hey guys, wish me luck on my game Al-Nassr vs. Raed Al-Raed. I have 604 million followers on Instagram, but we are not gonna be able to beat that. Can we get to 69 followers, please and thankyou?

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille.

They should bring Michael Jackson back from the dead so he can star in the Peter Pan horror movie.

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.

Why do Emos love Christmas? So they can pretend they're ornaments and hang themselves on trees. Hope you liked it, happy holidays!

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everybody that can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.