I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.
I said, "a smile."
They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.
My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.
Going to school is mandatory in this country.
Can you guess my plan?
What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.
What instrument can a skeleton not play? An organ!
What instrument can a skeleton play? A Trombone!
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody that can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.
Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”
“Under my bench,” he replies.
Roses are red. Walls are made of plaster. Schoolchildren can move fast, But bullets can move faster.
What's the most fun a monk can have?
Nun.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.
What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.
Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.
