Canning jokes

I can tell a joke :)

Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

And that concludes your French oral. You can put your trousers back up, and I'll see you on Monday.

Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."

I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.

Two orphans fighting in the rain.

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

If you ever get mad at a person that crumpled their leg, don't forget that they can hide, but they can't run.

What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?

A robot can feign empathy.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

What is the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.

It crashed in a cemetery.

They recovered 500 bodies.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What place can you always find suicidal cows at?

"McDonald's."