Canning jokes

Chuck Norris can make a fire with two ice cubes.

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."

I can tell a joke :)

Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

And that concludes your French oral. You can put your trousers back up, and I'll see you on Monday.

Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."

How can you surprise someone who is blind?

Leave a plunger in the toilet.

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.

What does it mean if you can remember a girl's eye color?

She had small tits.

I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.

Two orphans fighting in the rain.

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

If you ever get mad at a person that crumpled their leg, don't forget that they can hide, but they can't run.

What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?

A robot can feign empathy.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

What is the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.