Waitress: What can I get for you?
Me: I'll have a steak.
Waitress: How would you like it?
Me: Immediately!
Canning Jokes
You can tell if a woman is angry if she is holding a gun.
"You can drink drinks, but you can't food foods."
-Sun Tzu, The Art Of Food
Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.
Where can you find the most dads?
Milk Island.
Boy, your forehead so big, I can make a launchpad on that shit!
What can Miles Morales do that Spiderman can't?
Hug his parents.
Why can orphans only have iPhones 14s? Because they can't have a home button.
How are baseball and an orphan different?
A baseball game you can do a home run.
Your mama is so stupid.
Your dad said, "You're driving me crazy," so your mom handed him the keys and said, "You can drive."
MU, I love your joke, but I cut myself a piece of cake, pie, steak, cheesecake, and anything else I can find.
Orphans actually have an advantage. Nobody can call them motherless or test-tube babies in an argument.
Your forehead is so leaned back you can see the dinosaurs.
Why can't men play baseball?
Because no one can take the word "balls" seriously anymore.
Pistachio can’t, but pe-can.
You pecan do it!
Katgod, can you get your girlfriend? She's messing with me, and I'm gonna hurt soon.
Me: Mrs., can I read my book?
Teacher: Sure.
Me: *watching my Chromebook*
I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.
Boy: "Why can't you get a family?"
Me: "Why can't you get a rope?"
Boy: "What do you mean?"
Friend and me: "We can show you."
Me: "I will tie the rope."
Friend: "I will push the chair."
