But jokes

Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?

Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.

Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.

I’m not into watching sunsets, but I’d love to see you go down.

I would tell you a joke about unemployed people, but they don’t really work.

I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

I was going to go hunting but then I realized, schools are closed due to covid.

I tried to catch the fog, but I mist.

"I know that everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing that privilege."

While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.

I was gonna tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive topic.

Sunday was a sad day, but yesterday was a sadder day.

Roses are red, that much is true. But violets are purple, not fucking blue.

What starts with M and ends with carriage?

This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they don't shoot up schools.

A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.

She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.

The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"

Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"

I bet you $12345678901234567890 that you didn't read that number and you didn't notice that I put a letter in it. No, I didn't, but you went back and looked, didn't you?

Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.

Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"

The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."

I would make a Paul Walker joke, but it would crash and burn.

Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."

Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"

Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"

Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"

Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."