But jokes

I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"

A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.

I would tell you a joke about unemployed people, but they don’t really work.

I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

I was going to go hunting but then I realized, schools are closed due to covid.

I tried to catch the fog, but I mist.

While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.

"I know that everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing that privilege."

I was gonna tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive topic.

Sunday was a sad day, but yesterday was a sadder day.

Roses are red, that much is true. But violets are purple, not fucking blue.

What starts with M and ends with carriage?

This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

I bet you $12345678901234567890 that you didn't read that number and you didn't notice that I put a letter in it. No, I didn't, but you went back and looked, didn't you?

Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.

Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"

The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."

I would make a Paul Walker joke, but it would crash and burn.

Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."

Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"

Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"

Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"

Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they don't shoot up schools.

Why is it that when I'm in school doing PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but the moment I say "blacks against whites" I'm the bad guy?