But jokes

I would tell you a joke about unemployed people, but they don’t really work.

I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.

I was going to go hunting but then I realized, schools are closed due to covid.

Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."

Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"

Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"

Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"

Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."

When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale

I tried to catch the fog, but I mist.

While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.

I was gonna tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive topic.

Sunday was a sad day, but yesterday was a sadder day.

Roses are red, that much is true. But violets are purple, not fucking blue.

What starts with M and ends with carriage?

This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

I would make a Paul Walker joke, but it would crash and burn.

"I know that everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing that privilege."

I gave a tree a high five, but sadly it left me hanging.

I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.

I was gonna tell a self harm joke, but realized it would cause too much pain.

If a heterosexual man gets anonymous oral sex from another heterosexual man at a glory hole, it's called a "brojob", but if a homophobic heterosexual man gets anonymous oral sex from a gay man at a glory hole, it's still called a "brojob". Does it cycle now?