But jokes

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.

Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."

Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"

Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"

Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"

Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."

I tried to catch the fog, but I mist.

I was gonna tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Sunday was a sad day, but yesterday was a sadder day.

What starts with M and ends with carriage?

This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.

What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive topic.

Roses are red, that much is true. But violets are purple, not fucking blue.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale

I was going to go hunting but then I realized, schools are closed due to covid.

"I know that everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing that privilege."

I gave a tree a high five, but sadly it left me hanging.

While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.

I was gonna tell a self harm joke, but realized it would cause too much pain.

I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.

If a heterosexual man gets anonymous oral sex from another heterosexual man at a glory hole, it's called a "brojob", but if a homophobic heterosexual man gets anonymous oral sex from a gay man at a glory hole, it's still called a "brojob". Does it cycle now?

A kid is watching TV and sees an ad about adopting an animal. He then turns to his mother and says, “Do we have to adopt a donkey?” “No,” replied the mom, “but we decided to do it... we adopted you.”

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they don't shoot up schools.

How to know if your wife is dead? Well, the sex is still trash, but the dishes really start to pile up.