But jokes

Free will is like having a vagina. You don't need to know how to use it, and you don't need to know what it does, but what matters is that you have it.

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

I have a really good construction joke, but I’ll have to post it later because I’m still working on it.

A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"

"Um, honey, I'm glad you're done, but um, WHO KICKED OUR BABY'S ASS?! I'M PRETTY SURE FACES DON'T BEND THAT WAY!!"

I'd tell a science joke, but I was like, "Nah, it would get no reaction."

When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.

In Mario, it is called a Zoomba, but if it was real, it would be a boomba.

One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

I lost my luggage at an airport once. I sued the airline, but I lost the case...

So, some ants in a colony go to war. They want some more troops and know that there are ants that went to wars as well. They call them war-ants.

They start barging into homes to search for more war-ants. They barge into a home, and the lady-ant goes, "Hey, why are you here? Can you please leave?" One of the ants replies with, "I'm sorry, but unless you have a war-ant, we have to keep searching your house."

Ha! It asked me to submit a joke, but then I realized I'm the joke.

Tibia honest, it takes a lot of spine to memorize all the bones in the skeletal system. I mean, there's a skele-ton of em! You gotta be boned up for the skeletal system exam, buddy chum pal. Now that was a humerus ribtickling skelepun. Besides, if ya don't know all of the bones in the skeletal system, get boned, fucking numbskull. Did those tickle your funny bone? Now I've been working down to the bone typing these puns, kid. Now if you hate all these, I won't be bothered, I got thick skin! But first, lemme take a skelfie in the skelevator playing my trom-bone. Now, I gotta go to Grillby's. They got a discount on spare-ribs. Bone-voyage, my homeslice breadslice dawg.

When your grandma says she's rusty but still manages to teach you.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She always ran away from the ball.

Why can’t bikes stand? Because they are two tired (Too tired).

So if I drink alcohol, you're an alcoholic. But if I drink Fanta, I’m fantastic.

After the shooting, people were asking why they would do it.

They wanted to stop but it turns out they were playing an online game.

I'd tell you a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy.

I'd make a joke about an obese person, but it won't work out.

Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?