But jokes

I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.

I was making vegetable soup yesterday, but the wheelchair wouldn’t fit.

Words can’t describe how beautiful you are.

But numbers can. (Lol)

Laila has 69 boobs, but that is 222 too many. One day, she went on 51st Street to meet Dr. X, who ate all her boobs, and now she's boobless :)

6922251 x 8 = 55378008. Put the calculator upside down.

I have some words that might make sense to girls, but maybe not to boys, ready?

smart

kind

sweet

caring

loving

mature

You know, being a bitch is hard... but I found the person who's up for the challenge... you.

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.

What has 50 legs but can't walk?

25 disabled children.

Everybody misses Xxxtentacion, but the bullet didn't...

Well, I didn’t get as high as I wanted to, but I’m high enough that if I fall I’d probably break something.

Q. Why were the Twin Towers so mad?

A. Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but they only got plane.

I was gonna tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Once a naked woman robs a bank, but sadly, no one can remember her face...

Kid says, “Are you a soldier?”

Soldier says, “Mhm.”

Kid says, “I wanna be a soldier someday.”

Soldier says, “Really?”

The kid says, “Yeah, but father says I don’t have the balls to be a soldier, but he’s right. I’m a FUCKING PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!!!"

Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.

Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."

I would slap you, but that would be animal abuse.

How to tell your kid is adopted? Hi Daisy, let's play a game called "You're adopted!" I will start: Your mum died so I had to adopt you, but don't think I love you because you were the only kid there, haha!

I once dated a math teacher. It turned out she was nothing but problems.

I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."

The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"