Bruise jokes
Why do orphans have no bruises?
Because they have no dad to beat them.
One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!
What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?
Your mum.
My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.
My friend said having sex is a lot like your first football game.
You're bloody and bruised, but at least your dad was there.
What do you call a bruised banana?
A school bus full of his kids.
What can change color and get beat up?
You.
What did one snow ❄️ man say to itself? My arm is broken.
Blood is red.
Bruises are blue. I forget the rest... um, I hate you...?
It looks like your face was lit on fire and someone tried to extinguish it with a hammer!
It was September 10, 2001, when I stayed up watching TV shows.
I woke up late for work at The World Trade Center, but it was burning. I said out loud, "I was late! I'm happy I was late to work! I mean... I could've di-" I was then beaten and bruised by the emergency services.
What do you say to a woman who is completely beaten up on her face, full of bruises, and has a broken jaw?
"Will you listen now?!??"
Why are smurfs blue?
Because they get bruises all the time.
Why was Helen Keller's belly button bruised?
Her boyfriend was blind too.
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Boxing?"
"No, ... hurdles."