Breakup jokes

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cellphone.

Ex-Boyfriend: How and why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die!

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

An orphan girl's boyfriend broke up with her, what was his reason?

"If her parents didn't want her, why should I?"

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass.

Babe, I'm breaking up with you.

Why? I'm turning 18 tomorrow.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

My ex.

My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.

Him: How do you break things?

Me: You break things up.

Him: Okay.

Me: Is everything okay?

Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.

If your boyfriend doesn't get your fruit puns, you got to let that mango.

So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

I broke up with my emo girlfriend yesterday, look who came crawling back!

My ex was so full of shit, she probably poured toilet cleaner in her nose to get relief.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.

Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!

Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.

I got hit by a bus.

But the bus was my ex.

What do orphans and broken up couples have in common?

They can't see each other anymore.