Breakup jokes
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I?
So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
My ex is like AIDS! I can't get rid of him.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
Because the pond was too shallow.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back!
My ex was so full of shit, she probably poured toilet cleaner in her nose to get relief.
Me: What's that sound?
Ex: What?
Me: Oh, it's the elevator going up. BYEEEE see you on another level!
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card. She's not sick, I just think she can do better.
A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."
The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."
One time, I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message. Thirty seconds later, I heard my uncle crying in the next room.
So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.
My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
So my ex, who wouldn't leave me alone because she thought I was the best person in the world even though Will has a better haircut than me, but anyway, when we broke up she said I was the worst person she ever met, and I told her she looks like a cross between a beaver and a mole rat.
Then I told her she has the Wendy's logo haircut and then some other things I'm not gonna say. 2 years of bullshit, I was done.
Anyways, she cried lol.
Why did the man walk into a bar?
Because he just broke up and he needs alcohol, you dummy!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,
"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."
Doctor Seuss break up lines:
"One fish, two fish, blue fish, red fish, I'm breaking up with you, bitch."
I was in a toxic relationship. After some time, my girlfriend died. Her name was Happy. Still got no clue of her body, and here I am lying on the bed so fucking happy.