Breakup jokes

I'd rather kiss a cactus than kiss you. Wanna know why?

Because at least I'd feel something with the cactus than I ever could with you.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card. She's not sick, I just think she can do better.

Why did Stephen Hawking's girlfriend finish with him? Because he would never walk her home.

Your teeth split faster than your parents' divorce settlement.

I had a girlfriend who was a below-the-knee amputee. We broke up because she just couldn't keep her legs closed.

Michael Jackson, who's terrified of adult women, once had a girlfriend, but broke it off with her. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not you, it's me-hee-hee."

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Why did the booty break up with the fart?

It was just too much GASLIGHTING.

Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?

Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.

Hey there little mister, I'm dating your sister.

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

I’m breaking up with you, bitch.