Blood jokes

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

A: By how much he's coffin.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, "I think I'm a type-O."

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

What’s someone with AIDS' favorite Taylor Swift song?

"Baby, now we got bad blood."

What do lesbian vampires say after sex?

"See you next month."

A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...

Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"

Friend: "Your blood pressure!"

What's the difference between a porn star and a mosquito?

One stops sucking when you smack it.

Halloween joke:

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?

A blood test.

I killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a steak, and then I started to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy.

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type...

His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

A man gets captured by cannibals.

Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?

Lots of blood tests!

What's the difference between blood and an orphan? Blood has a place in all of our hearts.

What's the most optimistic blood type? B+.

What disease causes wrinkled clothes? An iron deficiency.

Suicide really isn't something to joke about, unless it's hanging yourself.

It's a really quicker way to die, and less blood spilled for your mother to clean up.

If trees were sentient, they would make their furniture out of bone, flesh, and blood.

Now ain't that cool?

My first football game was a lot like my first time having sex.

I was bloody, sore, and but at least my dad came.