Bleeding Jokes

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

my pencil sharpener when i bleed: aAnd i dont really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

I dont trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive

A man walks into a bar, the corrections officer says "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

"you gotta bleed before you teeth" - Santa Claus

What has two legs and bleeds? Half a cat

Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? here's a good example...

A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apperently) through out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "why are you running?" "My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!" They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?" "Grandma farted and the house blew up!"