What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?
Chocolate arm.
I was going to invite your friends to your birthday, but they were all extinct.
When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon.
And into a children's birthday party.
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.
Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."
"Really?" asked a little girl.
"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.
He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.
If it is someone's birthday, say this for a joke:
"A long time ago in a far away galaxy...
YOU WERE BORN!"
I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
What happens when you bring a paedophile to a baby's birthday party?
You will have even more birthday parties to go to.
Why do kids with cancer hate their birthday?
They don't know if they'll be alive to see it.
What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face for my birthday.
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
Went to my friend's house, fucked his sister.
I had a fun funeral / birthday.
Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: Why? Friend: I'm color blind.
What did Hitler get for his 6th birthday?
A Kewpie burger and an Easy-Bake Oven.
My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
A little boy was given a bicycle and a soccer ball for his birthday, but why was the little boy unhappy?
Because the little boy had no legs.
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
