I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true
I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.
Idiot: The moon landing was faked! So unbelievable fake! Me: You believe in the moon? Stupidass.
You might be innocent but if you carry a large sum of cash in public the cops won’t believe that
Police: Where do u live Me: With my parents Police: Where your parents live Me: With me Police: Where do you all live Me: Together Police: where is your house Me: Next to my neighbor Police: Where is your neighbor’s house Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me Police: Tell me Me: Next to my house
son: yo dawg, tell me a story dad: yall motherfuckers aint gon believe dis shit, so there was dis fairy aight, she had wings, so she flys into a kfc, and comes out with wings, chicken wings. Also why did hawking try to walk across the road, his wheelchair only goes 1 mph so he got hit by a bus.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
Sans: I like eating ketchup, don't believe me? It's ASRIEL as it gets! UT Sans to UT pap: You FORGHETTIE the spaghetti!!! Ink sans: umm lust? That's INKAPPROPRIATE! Fell sans: I hate these double standards...if you burn a body at a crematoriom you're doing "a good job" do it at home and your "destroying evidence." Error sans: every time you make a typo, the errorists win..
What's the difference between a black & a white fairy tail? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, " Yall mutherfuckers aint gonna believe dis shit"
Today there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there. When he was done, he had realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”
I didn't trip and fall... I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning :3
If I was an object in this world I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shity book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety
Help me....
I believe "Self-Babtism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt"
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
stephen hawking went on a date and come back with a broken leg, I can't believe she stood him up
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. -- Which makes me an eighth theist.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
