Belief jokes

I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Making holy water."

She said, "How are you making holy water?"

I'm boiling the hell out of it.

Why do orphans pray to God?

So they have someone to call father.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?

Optimistic.

What do you get when you throw holy water on a cow?

A holy cow!

How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?

You tell them it's a leap of faith.

Why do orphans like to go to church?

Because they actually have a father there.

What is another name 🤔 for Holy water 💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧 💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧 🚽 toilet water.

Me: Hey, do you wanna hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: Why don't churches have WiFi?

Friend: Why?

Me: They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.

P.l.a.n.e.

Precious lord, are nonbelievers evil?

Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.

You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."

...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"

Wanna hear a joke?

Jesus being real.

Why do heterosexual men and heterosexual women believe that bisexual men don't exist because male bisexuality doesn't exist? Because it doesn't cycle 🚲.

I used to think that Jewish people were a myth.

But one day I realized, they Israel.

What is meals on wheels to a Christian nationalist that is also a conservative Republican politician, a gay man in a wheelchair that is poor and also physically handicapped, and who is also well-endowed?

When Ariana Grande walked into the church, she said, "GOD IS A WOMAN!"

What does B.I.B.L.E. stand for?

Bull Shit In Book Lacking Evidence.

Does it cycle now?

Hello, this is Godlygirl26. I want to help people with their problems no matter what. There is nothing that God cannot do. I want y'all to know that God is with you, not any of those stone or wood "gods" but a true, loving, powerful God. DM this right here and I will answer. Hope I can help you! Love, Godlygirl26.

So a mom went to her kid and said, "If you pray to God, He will give you your sight back." So he did exactly that.

The next morning, the mom heard a scream, so she went to the kid's room and asked, "What's wrong?" The kid replied, "It didn't work!" The mom said, "April Fools!"

What do you call a reverse exorcism?

It's where a demon pulls a priest out of a child.

Normal person: "I'm perfect!"

Goth person: "Nobody is."