Being jokes
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type...
His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Principal: You're being bad. I'm gonna need to call your parents!
Orphan: *sits there sadly*
They told me I'd never be good at poetry.
But to date I have made 3 jugs and a vase, and they look lovely!
Ex-Boyfriend: You have no ass, so we're through!
Me: Stop being a dickhead, dude!! It ain't gonna make your little sausage any bigger!
If depression on crack fucked weed and 69 hours of not sleeping and had a baby with huge amounts of autism, that would be me.
Hey, guys! Just a quick reminder to spread kindness today and treat others how you want to be treated!
Rate your day on a scale of 1-10 in the comments below. Mine was about a 7. Also, can you guys please comment [on] what you guys want me to cover in these little messages? Sometimes it's hard to tell if you guys like that I'm doing this kind of stuff or not.
Name the emojis, and if you do, then you get 900/900 points for knowing all the emojis! Type in the comment section.
1. 😀 What's this emoji meaning? 2. 😃 What's this emoji meaning? 3. 😚 What's this emoji meaning? 4. 😁 What's this emoji meaning? 5. 😍 What's this emoji meaning? 6. 😋 What's this emoji meaning? 7. 🧐 What's this emoji meaning? 8. 😟 What's this emoji meaning? 9. 😳 What's this emoji meaning? 10. 😟 What's this emoji meaning? 11. 😰😨 What's this emoji meaning? 12. 😏 What's this emoji meaning? 13. 😬 What's this emoji meaning? 14. 🤐😣 What's this emoji meaning? 15. 😦🥺 What's this emoji meaning?
The winner who will win will be getting 900/900 points!
If you are talking to an Indian and notice a red dot appear on their forehead, be careful of what you said... They are recording it down... Careful... (no offense) pure joke.
Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?
He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.
Man: Can you be my girlfriend?
Woman: I'm lesbian, sorry.
Man: Oh, here's your rope.
Cesar: What was that good salad called?
Servant: Ceaser, Cesar.
Cesar: Okay, what's going to be the weather like?
Servant: Hail, Cesar.
Cesar: Yes, I know "Hail Cesar," but I need to know what the weather's like!
Servant: Well, it's hail, Cesar.
Cesar: AHHHHH! Send him to the DUNGEONS! NOW!
Oh baby, there's about to be 7 planets because I'm gonna destroy Uranus.
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
Why did the policeman rape the woman? Because he thought rapists wouldn't be attracted to non-virgins.
Riddles not jokes.
What has 4 legs but cannot walk?
What has bark but no bite?
There's a one-story house in which everything is orange. Orange walls, orange doors, orange furniture. What color are the stairs?
What has holes but can carry water?
What is in front of you, but cannot be seen?
What is something you have inside you that is pink, but cannot be seen?
What can you catch but not throw?
And last one:
What can rule, but not command?
Tell me the answers in the comments.
Like 90% of this was from this link: https://parade.com/947956/parade/riddles/
One more thing: Don't google it or search it up, use your brain to answer these.
Women need to be in the kitchen.
Why can’t orphans be gay? Because they have no closet to come out of.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels.
Women be like, "Porn is how we get money," then get angry when boys treat women like shit because they seen it on porn.
My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.