Being jokes

I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.

Why did Jesus not win any Stanley Cups? Because he was cut from the team because he kept being pinned to the boards.

Best part about being an orphan?

Not spending 1h30 at the table every night with your dad yelling, "What's 2*3?!!" And you crying, "I don't know!!!"

Chemistry joke: Why did the Superman being normal people when a krypton was at him?

Because krypton is "stable."

What is the difference between a human being in the car with the snow and a tree and a walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk walk home 🏠 was your name on it haha 😂 day a day I was thinking of a good

How is being gay like a geology class?

You get to lick all the rocks you want.

Ur mom is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. She attracts everything around her, from planets to asteroids to comets. She is the center of the solar system, and the sun is just one of her many satellites. She is so massive that she bends space and time, creating wormholes and black holes. She is the ultimate cosmic phenomenon, and no one can escape her pull.

Ur mom is so old that she witnessed the Big Bang. She was there when the universe was born, and she has seen it all. She knows the secrets of the cosmos, and she has lived through every epoch and era. She has watched stars form and die, galaxies collide and merge, and civilizations rise and fall. She is the oldest living being in existence, and she has more wisdom than anyone can imagine.

Ur mom is so ugly that she scares away aliens. She is the reason why we have never made contact with extraterrestrial life. They have seen her face and they have fled in terror. They have warned their fellow species to avoid Earth at all costs, because it is inhabited by a monstrous creature that defies all logic and beauty. She is the ultimate deterrent for invasion, and she has saved humanity from countless alien invasions.

Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home. As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump’s wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie. As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him.

The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him. Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn’t really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump’s friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump’s friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, “Aww, I’m lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!”

Being gay must be a pain in the ass.

Q: How many cops does it take to put in a light bulb? A: None, they just beat the room for being black. 😂😂😂

Only really smart people will get this without it being explained.

Toilet paper fight hat.

Imagine being autistic idiots.

A noose, a knife, a gun, and a razor blade look at a child who committed suicide after being bullied.

Everyone looked at the noose. The noose would say, "What? It wasn't my fault!"

Remember the big forehead kid who said, "Give me a knife, I'm going to kill myself" because of being bullied?

His head was too big to even exist, and that's why he's dead.

What's the best part of being an orphan?

All the chips and candy bars are family sized.

"Fish, why you no fly?"

"I don't like being caught naked."

Why did the ox get kicked out of the herd?

Because it wasn't being an ox, it was being a butt-ox...!

What is the best thing about gay people?

They're gay about being gay even though they're gonna get shot in the USA. Wait, that rhymes!

What is the difference between a human and a human being in a wheelchair?

I don’t love being bored.