Being jokes

If a cat hits you with her tail, is it considered being pussy whipped?

Stephen Hawking will be greatly missed for the time he walked this Earth.

As he threw the mechanical pencil toward me, I knew that if I didn't move, I would be lead into serious trouble.

Yo mama's so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he asked her to move out of the way.

That was a horrible pun. You should be sent to the PUN-itentiary!

If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were out on a hike. They had been going all day, so they decided to make camp and stay for the night. They both woke up at 3 A.M.

Holmes said, "Look up, Watson, what can you see?"

"Judging from the position of the stars, it looks like it's about 3 A.M."

"What else, Watson?"

"It looks like it will be a beautiful day tomorrow."

"What Else, Watson?"

"What am I supposed to see, Holmes?"

"Elementary my dear Watson, someone stole our tent!"

The Homo Sexual was a direct descendant of the Homo Genital Erectus, which went extinct in 2037 for being easily offended and its unwillingness to breed.

What do you call a moose that doesn't want to be known? Anonymoose.

A guy and a woman are walking into a forest. The woman says she is lonely. The guy then says, "Don't worry, there will be a third person in a little while."

Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home.

As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump's wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie.

As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him, and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him.

Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn't really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump's friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump's friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, "Aww, I'm lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!"

Why does Adam buy airsoft guns, you might ask?

To defend himself against his own father... his life must be shit.

I lost my virginity once and found it in a store being sold off.

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" After that he joined the Army and learned to say, "Yes sir!" After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, "Goody-goody gumdrops!"

A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:

Policeman: "Who killed the man?" Foreign man: "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" Policeman: "Did you kill the man?" Foreign man: "Yes sir!" Policeman: "What did you use to kill him?" Foreign man: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" Policeman: "You're under arrest." Foreign man: "Goody-goody gumdrops!"

To be brutally honest, I think his wife let him die for money, because they could just plug him back in. Surely they have an Android cable about?

Build a man a fire, he will be warm for a day. Give him some Tfox merch, and he will be on fire.

6:30 has to be the best time, hands down.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.

A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."

One cow asks another cow, "Are you afraid of mad cow disease?"

The other cow says, "Why should I be? I'm a helicopter."