Bar jokes
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.
The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."
What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?
A money manager who counts bars.
Why was the rapper afraid of elevators?
He was worried about getting stuck between the bars.
Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”
Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”
What kind of candy do astronauts eat in space?
Mars bars.
Why did the rapper become a carpenter?
To build some SOLID BARS.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"
Where do terrorists go for food? The Allah snack bar.
Why can’t Homer Simpson bring his family into Moe’s Tavern?
Because there’s a bartender in there.
A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.
One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”
Why was the rapper cold in the recording studio?
Because his bars were ice.
Why did the rapper bring a ladder to the studio?
Because he wanted to drop higher bars!
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.
Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."
Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."
To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"
What do you call a Mexican who can’t find the bar?
Barlos.
Yo momma is so stupid, she eats cardboard boxes thinking they're chocolate bars.
White Russians, do you mean red, white, blue, and dead White Russians?
A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.
The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"
A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"
Q: A guy walks into a bar, what does he say?
A: Ow!