Ares jokes

"Where are you? [Because you] make me wanna throw up every time I see you."

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.

Popular guy in class: I am so funny.

Me: Your parents are funny as they made a joke and people are still laughing at it.

Who are the fastest readers?

The pilots on 9/11. They went through six stories in 5 seconds.

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

Why are handicap signs blue? Because they're all Crips. (sorry)

How are Fortnite cards and orphans similar? They're given away.

Are you an orphanage?

Why?

Because I wanna put my kids in you.

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I’m a star! Because one of these days, I’m going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I’m like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I’m like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I’m like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I’m like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me...

Why are Americans so bad at Clash Royale?

They already lost two towers.

Mom asks, "Who are you talking to?"

The child said, "A mistake."

Why are eagles 🦅 bald? Because they don’t wear wigs.

Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked into the classroom.

The teacher asked them, "Why are you arguing?"

One of the boys replied, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Roses are red, your eyes are brown; never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

If the government can print money,

Then why are we paying taxes?

You are American when you walk to the bathroom. What are you when you are in there?

You're-a-peein'. European.

The best way to tell a Hindu person and a Muslim person apart is asking them, "Are you 7-Eleven or 9/11?"

Finally, some social platform where you can talk about Muslims and not get bombed.

Obv, unless you share your residence.