Ares jokes
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Why are short people sad?
Don't judge though, it's crap but...
Because they couldn't reach happiness.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with him?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to the ambulancemen and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"
I like trees when they are firmly stuck in a hole. PS, your hole.
Vaginas are like onions. They have lots of layers to get through.
Man, I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
What are the similarities of an orphan and a water fountain?
They both sprout water.
Why are gay dudes so rude?
Because they are fucking assholes.
All these jokes are all plane.
Why does Megan sound like a man, but she is a good singer and rapper, but then people talk about her? What's y'all rapper are singer?
My boss doctor said that we are getting a surgeon coming in tomorrow. I'm super excited to work with him. The next day, we had to do our first-ever open heart surgery, so me and the surgeon spent many hours on this patient. We finished the surgery and went outside for a smoke, and we were talking. I said, "Why did you keep the patient's blood on your glove?"
He replied, "We in my free time I test it for anything diseases, HIV." The next day, I got invited to his house, and we had some drinks. I said, "This is amazing red tea. What is in it?" Just the 2000 people you have cut open.
Why are blinds called blinds?
Because when they aren’t closed, they are blinding!
Why is it ok to punch an orphan?
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Why are the Twin Towers mad?
They ordered burgers, but what they got was plane.
I was walking, and I saw an orphan, and I said, "Where are your parents?"
Who are the fastest readers?
911, they went through 110 stories in 8 seconds.
Mr. Smith: Neona, tell us what you have for the biggest competition that we can do to keep our competitors out of the winning streak?
Neona: Will thought we used more sales and more advertising.
Mr. Smith: It's already a good idea. Now what about the business plan? We need it as recommendations to keep the business going. Tell me, what do you have in mind?
Neona: It is better to always have a plan. I was thinking that we can get higher prices and always get great deals. The people will go nuts for a great deal!
Mr. Smith: Perfect. Now let's take a 5 minute break.
Mr. Smith: Ok, 5 minutes is up! Now Neona, I know you are an intern, but what are the best things we can do for the company?
Neona: Hmm...let's see...will we can start with all the things people love! If this is going to work then we have have to......
I saw a girl crying. I asked her, "Where are your parents?" She cried as I got kicked out of the orphanage.
A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.
If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, does that mean your pants are tucked into your shirt?