Ares jokes
Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"
How are humans and computers different? A human doesn't have trouble shooting.
McDonald's and the Twin Towers are alike. McDonald's has a drive-through, and the Twin Towers had a fly-through.
Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.
A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
Like this if you are in elementary, middle school, or high school.
What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?
Both their parents were separated.
Why are orphans so good at tennis?
Because that’s the only love they get.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
Me: Are you an orphan?
Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?
Me: ....ur parents.
A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."
Why are there no Olympics in Mexico?
Because everyone from Mexico that can run, jump, and swim is already over the border.
Why are Muslims not fond of American cops?
Because Muslims don't like pigs!
My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at her.