ANS jokes
What's the one upside to being an orphan?
You never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
What's the difference between Donald Trump and an orange?
The orange tastes good.
I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."
He said, "What do you want?"
I said, "To be your new father."
"Really??!" the orphan said.
Me: Lol, no.
Orphan *Jumps into street*
What is the difference between an orphan and a bandit?
One's wanted.
My kid had an accident.
What happens when you throw an underage boy between two Catholic priests?
They fight and... You know the rest.
A bullet is like an arrow.
Nothing can stop it from going through your head.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An im-pasta.
Q.) What do you call an orphan's family tree?
A.) A family stump.
Why did the orphan cry? Because he was an orphan and he watched his parents die.
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.
Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.
Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.
Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.
Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.
Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.
Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.
Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.
I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.
Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.
Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.
Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.
Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.
Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.
Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.
Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.
Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.
Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.
I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.
Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.
Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.
Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
I called an orphan's house, saying: "Are your parents home yet?"
He started crying.
I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."
What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby? The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.
"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
Q: What do you call an elephant that isn't important?
A: My sister.
I punched an orphan, and he told me to leave him alone. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
You were probably voted "Most Likely to Become an Ice agent" in school.