ANS jokes
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
You sound like an owl.
What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?
The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite event? Their birthday!
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
Memes
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
A friend asked what an acorn is.
I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Teacher's pen is RED, our pen is BLUE, she is marking an EGG on my marksheet, left with questions and no CLUE.
Why is an elephant big, grey, and hairy?
Why couldn't an eagle do a barrel roll? It's oblivious, it's il-eagle.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
I want an almond-flavored biscuit.
I want an almond-flavored biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am!
People are like trees. They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
You can beat an egg.
Spare.
You got a spare, spare me an inch of that far juicy cock.
What's the difference between a terrorist base and an elementary school?
— Don't ask me. How should I know? I'm just the drone pilot.
I've got an impressive record at Russian roulette. Retired after one loss ever.
If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.
And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!
Kid: Imagine being an orphan!
Parents: Look who's talking, not you 'cause you ain't got no one to talk to! *vanishes*
Kid: WAIT, WHAT!