ANS jokes
When the police caught him stealing batteries, he was immediately charged.
The cops are accusing him of resisting. He's now languishing in a cell, where he is currently awaiting an appearance in Circuit Court.
When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.
I went to help an amputated girl, but she didn't have a hand for me to grab.
Danny just bought a new game from Steam for a penny.
About one hour later, Danny asks his mother: "Mom, I am not able to start the game."
Mom asked, "Why?"
Danny answers: "It says 'Press any key' on the screen, but I can't find an 'Any' button on my keyboard."
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"
What do you call a Vietnamese antivirus scanner?
An-Thi-cho-rho-na.
Q: What's an orphan's favorite porn site?
A: Motherless.
What do you call something that eats kids?
An upset mother.
So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.
So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."
What do you call an older white man surrounded by young black men in the 1800s?
Master.
What do you call an older white man surrounded by young black men in the 2000s?
Coach.
Q: What's the best part about working at an abortion clinic?
A: You don't have to buy dog food.
What happens to an Indian's doorbell when you ring it?
A ring-a-ding-a-ding.
A Chinese man and an Indian man are in a car. Who’s driving?
The driving instructor.
The penis has a sad life. His hair is always a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.
He also stands up for kids who can't defend themselves.
An electrician walks into a green house. He sees a red room. He wonders why it's red because Kurt Cobain and his shotgun were sitting there.
A Chinese man and an Indian man are in a car. Who’s driving?
A woman.
The Hodja purchased a piece of meat at the market, and on his way home he met a friend.
Seeing the Hodja's purchase, the friend told him an excellent recipe for stew.
"I'll forget it for sure," said the Hodja. "Write it on a piece of paper for me."
The friend obliged him, and the Hodja continued on his way, the piece of meat in one hand and the recipe in the other. He had not walked far when suddenly a large hawk swooped down from the sky, snatched the meat, and flew away with it.
"It will do you no good!" shouted the Hodja after the disappearing hawk. "I still have the recipe!"
Yo Mama is so dumb, she stares at a juice carton for an eternity because it says "Concentrate" on the box.
What do you call an Irish lesbian?
A Gaelic.
Q: What do you call an angry, bullied Asian kid?
Shoo Ting.