Animal jokes
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.
What do sheep wear to the beach?
A baa-kini.
What is a pig crossed with a pineapple?
A porkypine!
What do emo kids and bats have in common?
They both hang from trees.
What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow!
What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.
How do fish get to school?
By the octobus.
I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?
He went to the Shell station.
Two silk worms got in a fight. It ended in a tie.
I like my woman like I like my coffee: in a big sack on top of a donkey.
I once had a cat that reminded me of Doug Ford.
Fat, mean, and probably inbred.
One day, a cop pulls a van over, and when he walks up to the window, he sees ten penguins in the back.
The cop asks the man, “Are those your penguins?”
The man says, “Yes, they are my pets.”
The cop replies to the man, “You need to take them to the zoo right now.”
So the man agrees and drives off. The next day, the cop pulls over the same van, and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.
The cop says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”
The man says, “I did! Today, we are going to the beach!”
Why isn't a koala a bear? It doesn't have the koalafications.
If you tell a girl they're pretty, they won't believe you. If you tell them they're ugly, they'll never forget it.
Elephants never forget.
Have you heard about the lemming that jumped off a cliff into an ocean?
I heard it was because of pier pressure.
What do you call a cow that is really sad? Utterly Depressed. HEHEHEHE
I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.
A cow is at his friend's house for a sleepover party. Sadly, all of the beds are taken. Where does the cow sleep?
On the COWch (couch).
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"
"Africa," the parrot replied.