Animal jokes

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

What do you call a funny cow?

A cowmedian.

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of salad?

A chicken sees a salad (chicken Caesar salad).

The teacher asked the class what sound does a cow make? "Mooo," said Sally. "Good job," said the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baa," said Jack. "Good, now what sound does a pig make?" Little Johnny raised his hand really high in the sky. The teacher called on him. He said, "The pig says, 'Get on the ground and put your hands on your head, you black motherfucker.'"

Two cows are out grazing in the field. One cow says to the other cow, "Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around?" The other cow replied, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a rabbit!"

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender.

Why are orphanages like dogs?

Because they get adopted.

What did PETA say when a cheetah won 5 million dollars?

You can't beat a cheetah!

What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?

An Amish Mechanic.

what is the fastest land animal? the last chicken in a Kenyan village.

What is the similarity between a sloth and a depressed kid?

They both hang from trees.

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

Why did the cheetah get disqualified?

Because he was a cheetah, duh!

How do cows laugh?

Moo-haha.

Why are cows such great dancers?

They have all the best moooves!

What bird doesn’t need a comb?

Bald eagles.

What animal is good at baseball?

A bat!

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

What does the hare say to the other hare? You look nice with your hare cut!