Why can't I have any chocolate ice cream for dessert? Because I made it disappear up your ass for good.
Ani Jokes
Why did Sally drown in the pool?
She didn't have any arms, remember!
How do you make any salad a Caesar salad?
Stab it 23 times!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because chickens are mindless creatures and do not know any better.
An old lady walks into an ice cream store. A clerk greets her and says, "What will it be today, ma'am? We have every flavor you can imagine." The old lady says, "Well, I guess I'd like a quart of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says, "Sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate today. Any other flavor we'll have." "Ok," she replies, "Why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream?" The clerk says a little louder in case she's hard of hearing, "Sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out of chocolate ice cream." The old lady says, "Oh, ok. Why don't you just get me a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream?"
Finally, totally exasperated, the clerk says, "Wait a minute, lady. Can you spell 'Van' as in vanilla?" "Why of course, young man," she says, "V-A-N." "Right," the clerk says, "Can you spell 'Straw' as in strawberry?" "Well of course, 'Straw'," she replied. "Ok, then," he says, "Now spell 'Fuck' as in chocolate." She says, "There's no 'Fuck' in chocolate." He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you... THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!"
POV: Wine Taster in hell.
I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"
The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.
"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."
"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."
Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."
Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.
Why do orphans hate any milk?
Their dad did not come back for 10 years. Oh, sorry, he got lost in the store! 🤧
Luke asks his friend, "How old is your father?"
James replied, "He's as old as me."
Luke then said, "It doesn't make any sense."
James then said, "He became my father when I was born."
I was sitting in class when my teacher said, "Have any questions?" the suspended Class clown said, "Who's Joe?" So the teacher said, "Joe who?" So the clown said, "Joe Mama!" So I said, "What in the BALLS?" So I ended up staying in detention with the clown, ah, so cozy!
Me: Hey God, are you there? It's me, Michael.
God: *SILENCE*
Me: If any gods exist, they better say or do something this instant!
God: *SILENCE*
I swear bro, this time I don't want any jokes on 9/11. Like people actually died, like that shit is just plane wrong. 💀
Any more song suggestions?
I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.
Yo mama is so dumb, she plays Pokémon and doesn’t catch any.
I prank called someone and I said, "Is there a Missis Wall there?" They said no. Is there a Mr. Wall there? They said no. Are there any Walls there? They said no. Then what's holding up your building?
I asked the librarian if they had any books on anxiety.
She replied with, "Won't you worry a lot about returning it late?"
If BlessedBrian were any more two-faced, he’d be a Rubik’s Cube.
If BlessedBrian were ANY LESS intelligent, he’d have to be WATERED twice a week.
"How does dry skin affect you at work?""You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it."